What just happened?

Last night, he came over. It was the first time we’d seen each other in almost in a month and I was very excited to finally (hopefully) make things official. The night started with him bringing me flowers and wine. Seems like a good sign, right? We spent some time just talking and catching up and then started watching a movie and cuddling. He started kissing my neck which basically makes me unable to focus on anything else and things escalated from there and we eventually moved to the bedroom for some sexy times. After, when we were cuddling again, I finally got up the courage to ask him what we were. What followed was not at all what I was expecting. 

I asked him what we were and he said he didn’t know. I said that whatever it is, we’ve been doing it for a while now so I think it’s probably time that we come up with an answer. He said he agreed but then proceeded to tell me all of his hesitations about it all.

Firstly, he said it threw him off when I said I didn’t know what we were the first time he asked. Okay, that’s fair. I explained that I just wasn’t ready to make any decisions and I didn’t really know what was happening between us yet.

Secondly, he said he knows it’s difficult for me to get to his town (also my hometown) and I don’t always have somewhere to stay but he’s not a fan of always having to drive to my place in the city. Okay, I mean that’s fair too, because it is a long trip (about an hour away) especially with traffic and everything being a mess in the city right now, but in my defense, he’s never really invited me to come out. Whenever we plan things, he makes me decide what we do so naturally, I suggest things in my city because a) there is SO much more to do here, b) I live alone and he still lives with his parents so we can have some privacy here, and c) When I go there, it always ends up being a double date or a group thing which is fine sometimes but we need some alone time as well. If you want me to come visit you there, you need to take the initiative to invite me to do something there. I will make arrangements, I can find a place to stay for the night, I can get myself to and from the train station. But you need to let me know that you want me to do that.

Thirdly, (and this is the most worrisome to me) he is hesitant because my best friend is his best friend’s girlfriend. Follow that? This is the girl that I have been friends with since I was 7 so naturally, she and I share quite a bit. She and her boyfriend have been together for what feels like forever and are moving in together soon so naturally, they share quite a lot as well. His hesitation is that whatever I tell her, she will tell her boyfriend, and because he is a super private person, he’s not thrilled with that. I can relate to this because I have hesitations about all the guys knowing about my sex life with him. However, I also know that he has shared some things with his best friend that were then passed on to the girlfriend (aka my best friend). So I feel like this point is a little hypocritical because inevitably, things will be shared. And yes, that means that people will find out certain things that they might not know otherwise, but there comes a point where you just have to accept that.

I think my biggest issue with all of these hesitations of his is that none of these are new issues. You knew I lived here when we started talking/dating/whatever we’re doing. You knew that M and I are best friends and talk a lot. I tried to tell him that she doesn’t know as much as he probably thinks she does (because I too am a pretty private person) but he still wasn’t sure about it.

So now, where does that leave us? What are we? I still don’t have an answer and it is beyond frustrating to me that the fate of our relationship lies primarily in things that are beyond my control. When will you decide if you can be okay with M knowing some things and sharing them with your friend? When will you decide if it is better when I come to you more often? When will we have an answer?

Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I didn’t think guys brought flowers for girls that they didn’t want to be in a relationship with. I’m so close to falling so hard for him, and now he’s the one who’s not sure what he wants and that is utterly terrifying. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone; I’ve never wanted someone so much. I don’t know how to be with someone who acts like a boyfriend but won’t call me his girlfriend. I don’t know how to do this. All I know is that I really want to make it work. All I know is that I barely got over him the last time he broke my heart, and I don’t know if I can stand to be hurt by him again.

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