Déjà vu?

More and more, I feel like things between C and I are going to end so badly. It feels like he’s pulling away from me. He’s been talking to me less and less and whenever I try to have a conversation, it feels like it’s very one-sided. As much as I hate to say it, this is starting to feel like high school all over again. The last time we were sorta dating, it was grade 11 and out of nowhere, he stopped talking to me until he finally said the words that no girl in love wants to hear. “Maybe we should just be friends.”

We’ve barely talked this week, and he left tonight to spend the weekend with the guys at a cottage. I can’t help but feeling that I’m going to hear those same words again when he gets back. And honestly? I don’t know if I can handle that again. Because there is no going back to being ‘just friends’. Not after all we’ve been through. When we were together (if you can even call it that) before, we barely did anything beyond making out on his couch. And when he ended things then, it nearly destroyed me and it took a long time to get back to a place where we could even pretend to be friends. And now? Well now we’ve done a hell of a lot more than just making out and while I knew this was always a risk, I don’t know if I could ever be ‘just friends’ with him again if things end like that this time around.

The worst part of all this isn’t even that I might get my heart broken again by the same stupid guy. The worst part is that I feel so stupid for ever believing that things could be different. I feel so stupid for letting him in just to screw me over again. I would love nothing more than for him to prove me wrong, but at the moment, I sure don’t think that’s going to happen.

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