Heartbreak, Stage 1.

It finally happened. The moment I’d been waiting for, the moment I’d been dreading. With the support and encouragement from my two best girls, I finally stood up for myself in this relationship and told him that I needed to know what this was. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore if he didn’t know by now what he wanted or how he felt about me. A part of me, no matter how small, genuinely thought (or at least hoped) that he would say something along the lines of, “I like you so much, of course I want to be with you” and we would live happily ever after. Okay, maybe that’s a little far fetched, but there was a very real part of me that definitely thought he really would want to be with me.

Instead, his answer was this: I’m not ready for a relationship, I like you but I just can’t see myself in one and I don’t want you to wait around for me.

You don’t want me to wait around for you? Really? Connor, I’ve waited for this for years already. I’ve waited and waited and waited. I put in my time, but you’re right, I can’t wait forever.

And then, the real kicker came: Part of me knows that in the end this would be for the best, but I still do care about you, I just didn’t want it to hurt you because I wasn’t ready.

Well, if your goal was not to hurt me, I think we can all say that you failed miserably. Because here I am, crying my eyes out, feeling like there’s not enough air in the world to fill my aching lungs, with the pieces of my heart scattered around the room.

Why did you start this if you weren’t ready? If you didn’t want this to turn into a relationship, why did you start talking to me out of nowhere? Why did you make me believe that things could be different this time? Why did you bring me flowers and send me good morning texts and act like my boyfriend if you didn’t want any of that? Why did you wait so long to tell me you didn’t want this? Why did you have to break my heart? Why did I have to let you?

I’m supposed to be at work today, but I called in sick. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day without breaking down, and I really just need some time to myself right now. I need to take care of myself. I may not have a cold, or a stomach flu, or a broken bone, but I am definitely not feeling well. It feels like a part of me is missing. It feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest, as if to make sure my heart doesn’t actually disappear. At least if I have all the pieces in one place, I can try to put it back together eventually. Slowly but surely, I will get over you. Slowly but surely, I will be whole again. Slowly but surely, I will trust, and maybe even love, again.

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