I’m back at work today and there’s not much for me to do so my mind keeps wandering. I move around the office and say hello to people and do my job but I feel like I’m in a haze. I’m not sure that it has hit me entirely yet because we didn’t see each other every day anyway, so the fact that I haven’t seen him in a week isn’t much different now than it was a week ago before everything fell apart. We had tickets to go see a performance this weekend, and I decided I will not let myself just sit at home and miss him on Saturday night, so I invited a friend to go with me, and while I’m excited to see her and catch up, and I’m actually really looking forward to the performance, I think it might be tough knowing that he would have, could have, should have been the one sitting next to me.
I don’t really feel sad today, or at least I’m not fighting back tears. I don’t really feel mad today, either. I just feel numb. I feel like there’s just an empty space where my heart used to be. I have been laughing with my coworkers and smiling and saying, “I’m fine, thanks for asking, I’m doing much better today” when they ask me how I’m feeling after my sick day this week. And I am. I am fine, and I will continue to be fine but my smiles and laughs don’t feel genuine anymore. It’s like my face is trying to be happy but the message hasn’t reached my brain or my heart yet. I hope this doesn’t last very long because I’d rather feel something than nothing at all. I hope, if I keep smiling long enough, maybe eventually my brain will believe it, too.