Letting the Numbness Sink In (Heartbreak: Stage 3?)

I’m back at work today and there’s not much for me to do so my mind keeps wandering. I move around the office and say hello to people and do my job but I feel like I’m in a haze. I’m not sure that it has hit me entirely yet because we didn’t see each other every day anyway, so the fact that I haven’t seen him in a week isn’t much different now than it was a week ago before everything fell apart. We had tickets to go see a performance this weekend, and I decided I will not let myself just sit at home and miss him on Saturday night, so I invited a friend to go with me, and while I’m excited to see her and catch up, and I’m actually really looking forward to the performance, I think it might be tough knowing that he would have, could have, should have been the one sitting next to me.

I don’t really feel sad today, or at least I’m not fighting back tears. I don’t really feel mad today, either. I just feel numb. I feel like there’s just an empty space where my heart used to be. I have been laughing with my coworkers and smiling and saying, “I’m fine, thanks for asking, I’m doing much better today” when they ask me how I’m feeling after my sick day this week. And I am. I am fine, and I will continue to be fine but my smiles and laughs don’t feel genuine anymore. It’s like my face is trying to be happy but the message hasn’t reached my brain or my heart yet. I hope this doesn’t last very long because I’d rather feel something than nothing at all. I hope, if I keep smiling long enough, maybe eventually my brain will believe it, too.

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2 thoughts on “Letting the Numbness Sink In (Heartbreak: Stage 3?)

  1. Hello- I am 7 months out of a breakup. The first 2 months I was fine (in denial). The last 4-5 months have been an absolute rollercoaster. Your last line caught me. I too am trying to train my brain to stop thinking about him- it. So that maybe I truley will be over it. Its a tough thing to know whether you can tell your heart what to feel. The power of the brain and thoughts really are so strong that part of me believes we can. I am thinking of you and hope that this gets easier for you. I hope you realise that nothing beautiful and worth it is ever created without pain I hope this leads you somewhere blissful.

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