Trust

I think today, I may have figured out why this breakup has destroyed me. When this all first started months ago, I was so unsure of everything – of him, of his intentions, of my feelings – and my gut was telling me not to go down this road again. But with time, he made me think that maybe, just maybe, things could be different this time. He told me I was beautiful and he made me believe that he wanted this as much as I did, and it turns out, he didn’t.

So I don’t hate him because it’s not his fault that he doesn’t feel the way I want him to. And I’m not only hurting because he broke my heart. I think I’m most upset at the fact that he took away the trust I had in myself. If I had only listened to my gut and run in the opposite direction as soon as he started talking to me, maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this way right now. If I had told him in January that I wasn’t interested, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting at home on a Friday night, three beers in with tears rolling down my cheeks. If I hadn’t let myself believe him when he told me that he cared about me, maybe I wouldn’t have waited on him for so long. But all of that is pointless, because I did. I let myself believe him and I let myself fall for him and I let myself trust him, even when a part of me was always whispering that I shouldn’t.

And so I don’t hate him for breaking my heart because it was my own fault. But I do hate him, at least a little bit, for making my doubt myself because I have worked so hard and for so long to get to a place where I can trust myself. And in one moment, one conversation, one text message, he took that all away.

As someone with anxiety, self-trust is a pretty big deal for me. I have learned to listen to my body and my heart when it tells me that something is scary because for whatever reason, it is, and that’s okay. I have learned to let myself feel – to feel scared, to feel love, to feel pain, to feel happiness – and that takes trust, because sometimes letting yourself feel things, and I mean really feel things, is scary. And above all, I have learned to trust that everything will be okay, that I will be okay. And I’m having a hard time believing that right now. And so I hate him a little bit because he did that to me.

And on a completely different note – I’ve posted a couple stories to snapchat since things ended and he has looked at them and I know it’s public and I know I shouldn’t be reading into that at all, but overthinking is kind of what I do. Was part of me hoping that he would look at them? Yeah, okay, maybe a little. But when his name actually popped up as one of the viewers, I think my heart literally stopped beating for a second. If you want to know what is going on in my life, then BE IN MY LIFE. I don’t want to see his name because it makes me think – it gives me hope – that he is thinking about me, and if I keep thinking like that, I’ll never move on. And I need to move on. Because if this isn’t going to happen, if we aren’t going to happen…then I need to move on, and stop waiting for this. But what if this isn’t over, what if he just really isn’t ready for this right now? What if I move on and then he wants to try again? Because once I get through this, I don’t think I can put myself through it again. I guess I just have to trust that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

Putting in a Monica and Richard gif, because that sums up pretty much all of my feelings right now, but what if we’re Ross and Rachel? (ugh sorry I’m a sad cheeseball right now).