My heart hurts.

I’ve been doing a really good job of pretending lately. I’ve kept busy and I’ve gone out with friends and laughed over drinks and talked about how I’m doing fine without him and I’ve acted like he’s the farthest thing from my mind. But then I come home. I walk through the door and find my apartment empty, just like I left it. I check my phone, and while I might have messages, they’re never from him. I crawl in to bed and imagine I was curling up next to him.

It’s been two weeks, and I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night. He started a new job today and it took all of my willpower to resist texting him to see how it went, to tell him good luck, to let him know I was thinking about him. I think the emptiness in my heart is amplified by the fact that work is so slow right now that I have all this extra time to think about him and to wish we could talk to make the day go by faster.

Sure, I miss the ‘good morning beautiful’ texts, and I miss the way he looked at me right before he was about to kiss me, and I miss the way our bodies just seemed to fit together, melting in to one another while watching a movie or walking down the street or saying goodbye. But more than that, I just miss him. I miss talking to him, and I miss hearing about his day and telling him about mine, and I miss the way he could always make me laugh, even after the roughest days. I miss having him in my life and it kills me that he will probably never be back in it, at least not in the same way.

I’d like to think that someday we could be friends, especially now that our mutual best friends have officially moved in together and we’re bound to see each other from time to time, but honestly, I don’t think it will happen. Maybe we’ll get to a point where we can pretend to be friends for the sake of avoiding awkwardness when we’re out with other friends, but I don’t think I can ever be just friends with him. The truth is we’ve never been just friends. There’s always been something more and we’ve always had chemistry. Even when we first met, we were “just friends” who flirted way more than is acceptable in any normal friendship and eventually, it turned in to being more than friends, and when that didn’t work out, we stopped talking. We avoided each other, we faked friendship when other people were looking and ignored each other when they weren’t. And then one day, one of us would start a conversation and just like that, we were back to being more than friends.

It had been five years since we’d had any real conversation just between the two of us, and as soon as it started, there was something more there. If five years and 500 kilometers can’t kill whatever this is between us, then how much more will it take? I want him to be in my life, but I don’t think I can be his friend, especially now that I know what things could be like with him. I will overthink every smile and overanalyze every comment and I will be walking on eggshells wondering if this is the time that he’s going to change his mind. I can’t be just friends with someone who has the power to fill me with love or destroy me with a single look. I can’t be just friends with someone I’m in love with.


6 thoughts on “My heart hurts.

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