I will be okay.

It’s been a month, and I think I’m slowly getting better. I no longer check my phone in the morning, expecting to see a text from him. I only cry myself to sleep a couple times a week now, instead of every night. It still hurts like hell, but I think I’m getting better.

I’m going to see him tomorrow night. We’re having a big reunion/going away party for one of my best friends, and he will be there, and I have no idea how I’m going to deal with it. Do I avoid him all night? Do I pretend nothing happened and act like everything’s perfectly fine? I’m scared that my heart is going to break all over again when I see him. God forbid we actually talk about anything real, I might actually break down. But this weekend is not about me, and I refuse to let him, or anyone else for that matter, see me at my weakest point. I will fake a smile and I will fake happiness until it’s not fake anymore.

I had a job interview last week, and I found out yesterday that I got the position. I’m so happy about it because it’s the perfect position for me and I need the money and need to keep busy this year. It will be busy, and I’m sure it will be stressful at times, but I also know that I can do it.

I’m also doing a yoga/mindfulness/meditation in the classroom workshop series over the next year that I’m so excited about. We met for the first time this week and it’s such a lovely group of people that I know I can learn so much from. I’ve already shared some of my story with them, and it’s so comforting to know that you’re surrounded by people who really get what you’re going through, even if they don’t know you. There’s a familiarity in the room from the minute you walk in, before you’ve even introduced yourself and it’s exactly what I need right now.

My anxiety has been all too present lately and I know it’s partially my own doing, because I haven’t been working out much and I haven’t been eating very well and I haven’t been taking my supplements regularly. It’s time to start taking care of myself again, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. I will be okay. This is not the end. I will be okay. Things will be okay. Everything will be okay.

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