Apathy has been creeping into my life over the past few weeks and it seems like it has moved into my soul. While there are many symptoms that seem more concerning, apathy is my least favourite part about anxiety. It takes away my energy and motivation to do the things that I need to do and it takes the enjoyment out of the things that I want to do. I am nearing the end of the semester and the stress has been accumulating, a never ending to-do list floating around my head and weighing me down. Unfortunately, instead of being productive and working to check things off that list, my brain has a different way of coping with the stress. It’s like it tries to protect me from feeling too much stress and anxiety by removing the sense of urgency, but it has the unfortunate side effect of making me not care about anything.
I’m still eating and sleeping and exercising and showering, but I haven’t been to class all week. I justified it yesterday by saying that I needed a mental health day, which wasn’t a lie. I told myself I would go today because I shouldn’t miss two days in a row, especially when I only have three days of class each week. Instead, I let myself sleep in and justified staying in bed with the rain that’s pouring down outside. I have to go to class tomorrow to hand in my final assignments, but that means that I first have to finish those assignments. I make myself a tea, and open the document, and stare at the blank page before getting frustrated with myself and my lack of concentration, my lack of ability to finish what should be a relatively simple task. I need to get this done today. I need to focus. I need to care. But I can’t.